This post is dedicated to the love of my life and future husband. I love you, Kurt. How lucky am I, truly.

From a very young age, I have always believed that I was put on this earth to give out more love than I would ever receive in return. At a certain point in time, this made me really upset. I would find myself thinking “why can’t anyone love me as much as I love them?”. I was so disheartened thinking that I would spend my lifetime pouring out love I would never get back. But as I got older, and as time passed, I started to like this part of myself. I began to view myself as true, pure love embodied. Always pouring out love, knowing it will never come back to me, but knowing that it would have an impact on someone else’s life.

But I’ve been proven wrong. I have met my match, someone who loves me just as much as I love them. Someone who loves me for me, who adores the parts of me that even I find annoying. Everyday that we spend together, I am reminded of how much I have to be grateful for. This love has changed and healed me in more ways than I can describe, but more importantly than that, it has proven me wrong. I wasn’t put on this earth to give out more love than I would ever receive, but we were all put on this earth to give and receive love each and every day. Love is the only way. Before I get ahead of myself, let me talk a little more about this great love that changed a lifelong belief.

Falling in love in September

Do you have a favorite month? I do- it’s September. Every year when September rolls around and the temperatures start to dip as the leaves begin to fall, it feels like falling in love. I guess you could say that it was love at first sight, because for me it was. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I felt like I already knew him. As nervous as I was, I just had to find a way to introduce myself to him because I was drawn to him like a magnet. From the moment we first spoke, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Kurt kept sneaking into my thoughts. So I decided to message him.

A week after we met, we went on our first date. I remember like it was yesterday. We went to the zoo, saw all of the animals, and when we sat in the bee garden, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Such a small gesture, but a gesture that stands out to me even now, 4 years later. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for us to fall for one another. Ten days after our first date, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and a week after that he told me he loved me. This may seem too fast for many, but to us it didn’t feel rushed. We’ve just always felt familiar to one another.

It’s been over four years now, and I am more in love than ever. I can’t imagine life without him and I am so grateful I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me, despite all my quirks and bad habits. How lucky am I, truly, to be loved by someone so unconditionally. Kurt’s love is a gentle love, a kind love. It’s the kind of love that kisses your bruises and scrapes despite knowing it won’t make much of a difference. Kurt’s love is the type of love that everyone deserves to experience in life. Loving and being loved by him has given me a new perspective on life and what this is all about. Sorry- I just wanted to profess my love a little bit, let’s get back to what I originally planned on writing about.

What even is the point of any of this?

As someone who lives with existential OCD, I frequently think about life, the purpose of life, death, and what comes after. If you can imagine, thinking about this all day every day might drive you a little insane. Sometimes I begin to feel detached from my body and this earth, or I feel like none of this is real, and sometimes I just feel the crushing weight of my inevitable death. There is one thought that I keep coming back to: if I was never born, I would have never felt this way. If I wasn’t born, I wouldn’t have the consciousness or time to panic and worry about something I ultimately cannot avoid. What in this flawed world, could ever make this worrying, panic, and distress worth it? What is the point of any of this? Why is life considered a gift when the end result is death? How am I meant to live knowing that each and every day could be my last? This is what made me realize that life isn’t the greatest gift, rather it is love.

Love is always all around us. You may not always notice, but love is always there. You can find it anywhere, anytime, any way. You can see love where the sun meets the horizon, or you can hear love when wind whistles through tree branches. You can taste love in a homecooked meal, and you can smell love seeped into your favorite sweater. Love is all around, we just don’t know where to look for it.

Love is simple

I feel like we have been trained to find love in only very specific scenarios. Media has influenced what we believe love is supposed to look and feel like. We’ve been shown what should be expected of each partner and what not to accept. The truth is: love is simple. It is a lot like everything else in life. Most of our life is full of the mundane, in-between moments. So much time is spent doing chores and unexciting, but necessary tasks. I have found love is very similar. Love is simple.

Love is not defined by large gestures, rather the small gestures and daily interactions. What makes a day like every other a little bit better? An extra kiss in the morning, a note in your lunchbox, coming home to your favorite meal, holding hands on the couch- all of these gestures often will go unnoticed. But these are the moments that make life worth living. These glimpses of love are profoundly ordinary and that is what makes them so beautiful.

Small expressions of love is what holds us all together. Knowing that I have countless moments of love I have yet to experience is what makes this all worth it. How many mornings will I get to wake up to my dog licking my face and the love of my life right there next to me? How many nights will I get to sit on the couch watching a show with Kurt? How many times will Kurt push a strand of my hair behind my ear? They say nothing is promised, but I know that these small, ordinary acts of love are.

Love is the only way

I know now more than ever it is hard to remain positive. Every app on our phones are designed to keep us there as long as possible. We are losing community, we are losing touch with what makes us human. So I invite you to create love and find the love around you. Love is how we move forward. The first step is to accept that it is okay for love to be ordinary, because that is how it is meant to be. Love isn’t supposed to be rose petals laid on the floor every night or fresh flowers every week. Love is giggling while washing the dishes together, yelling at each other through the bathroom door, and a thumb thoughtlessly rubbing the back of your hand.

To me, love is Kurt pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. It’s folding laundry together when neither of us could care less. It’s grocery shopping together. Love is kind, love is gentle. Love is patient, love is slow. Four years later, and my tummy still does flips when he says my name. Four years later, and forever to go.

Do not neglect the greatest gift this world has to offer. Do not let the evil of this world take your love and burn you up. Life will pass you by if you aren’t careful. Slow down and notice the small, ordinary acts of love that slip between the cracks. It makes each day a little brighter, and makes time move a little slower.

That’s all for now.

‘Kay love you, bye!