No, I don’t want to die. It is actually the opposite issue.

The beginning of November concludes OCD awareness month- but I’m not ready to move on quite yet. OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is an anxiety disorder that affects about 2% of the population. OCD can be extremely difficult to diagnose because of how differently it can present, as well as how it overlaps with other mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety. Not to mention, it sucks.

Earlier this year, I learned that I have been dealing with OCD, not GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Being diagnosed and treated for OCD has completely opened my world and has given me my life back. Pretty much all of my OCD symptoms tie back to one root concern: dying.

One Foot in the Grave… at Eight Years Old

I experienced my first panic attack at the age of eight and it revolved around death. I was laying in bed, staring into the dark, and remember thinking to myself, “One day my lungs will stop breathing. One day my heart will stop beating. One day my brain will stop thinking.” and the full spiral began to set in.

This spiral has followed me throughout my entire life. Often times, my mind would be flooded with thoughts about my inevitable death, constantly and without reason. I would start thinking about it in the middle of the day while watching Youtube, or while playing a game, or while trying to take an exam. The thought of death was there, always lurking. But it still got worse, infinitely worse.

In January of this year, my anxiety around death stopped affecting only my thoughts and began to disturb my daily life. I could no longer watch shows or movies if they involved stories of death. I couldn’t play games like Skyrim or Starfield because I would feel remorse about killing the NPCs during fight scenes. I was scared to leave my house because there was so much risk involved- I could pull out of my driveway, get T-boned, and then die. Everywhere I looked there was death. Always lurking, but no longer in the back of my mind. Death was the start and end to every thought that went through my mind. It was inescapable.

You Can’t “Logic” OCD Away

I wanted to find a way to get the thoughts and obsession of death to go away but I couldn’t get it to budge. So I started researching. Anytime I would begin to panic and spiral, I would get on Google and start looking for answers. I would find myself reading through Reddit posts and religious blogs, trying to learn more about death, and more specifically, what comes after death. Some days I would be stuck there for hours. Reading every story I could find about near death experiences, retellings from religious figures, and advice from people that work in funeral homes or with people who are passing. I was looking for something, anything, that could pull me out of this hole and set me on solid ground. And after hours of research it worked, for a while. I would feel at peace for a few hours or a few days, but it never sustained.

When I felt the thoughts start to creep in, I would try to talk myself through it, reminding myself of the research I had done but it was not enough. I had to more research- find new topics, figure out where my blind spots were, I needed to figure out how to learn the absolute most I could about death and the afterlife without actually having to experience it. I had to do the research and it couldn’t wait because what if I die tomorrow and I don’t know what to expect?

After months of this, I couldn’t really recognize myself or the life I was leading. I was scared to leave my house, I couldn’t sleep well or at all some nights, I never took the time to get ready, and I was struggling to take care of myself. I had been in therapy for the past several months trying to learn how to cope with it, but nothing seemed to get the thoughts to just stop. I just wanted to be able to go through one day without thinking about death, and feel like a normal person. Getting to that point felt impossible. I knew something had to change but I didn’t know what needed to be fixed or where to start.

“It Literally Just Sounds like You Have OCD.”

In May, we went on a cruise. It was nice, great weather. I was done with classes and in the middle of the ocean with my family. I had unlimited food, access to New York Cheesecake Ice Cream, and plenty of time to sit in the sun. Yet, I still couldn’t stop thinking about death. My mind would get filled with different ways I could die on the cruise in some tragic accident or medical episode. When we got back from the cruise, I was explaining to my sister how annoying it is to be stuck in this mindset, especially when you are trying to enjoy a much needed vacation. My sister, diagnosed with OCD, told me “It literally just sounds like you have OCD.” and honestly, I didn’t believe her.

My sister has OCD that is more easily recognizable. When she gets stressed out, she needs to clean the house. Everything needs to have order and it needs to be done within a certain time span. I have never really struggled with needing a place to be perfectly clean and organized, so I really didn’t think there was any chance I could have the same OCD as her. I also couldn’t really name any compulsions that would pair with my obsession with death. But I decided to bring it up to my therapist at our next session. We talked about it, and she said it is a very strong possibility considering the obsessive nature of my thoughts. After our next session, we knew for certain that this isn’t generalized anxiety, it’s OCD. I have existential OCD.

Once You Know it’s OCD- it’s Always OCD.

From that point on, I learned a lot about OCD. What are compulsions, why I have them, what mental compulsions are, what pure obsession is, and more importantly, HOW YOU TREAT IT. Finally, there is an effective treatment option that could treat my obsession thoughts of death: ERP, or Exposure Response Prevention. Yippeeee! There is light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t have to spend the rest of my life thinking about the end of my days!

But how do you do exposure therapy for death? How do you conduct ERP for the afterlife? Well, it’s not exactly what I expected. My exposure therapy is to sit and think about it intentionally. I sit and force myself to think about death and the afterlife. I remind myself of all of the uncertainties there are, and not fall down a research rabbit hole. I sit and I think about death and I feel the discomfort, and I remind myself that there is nothing that I can do about it. It is uncomfortable. This life and being alive is all that we know. But there are many uncertainties and there always will be. I won’t know what happens when we die until it is my turn to go, and that is okay.

ERP gave me my life back. I am able to go out and live my life. I am able to play games and watch movies and actually enjoy them. I can fall asleep without worrying about dying in my sleep, and I can wake up relaxed. These things may sound small and unimportant to most, but being able to do normal activities without anxiety present is a major milestone for me.

My OCD isn’t Gone Forever

I still struggle with OCD, but it is different now. Probably the biggest game changer has been learning how to differentiate between intrusive thoughts, and thoughts based in reality. My intrusive thoughts aren’t a reflection of who I am as a person and they are not rooted in any sort of fact or reality. Intrusive thoughts only exist to disrupt me and cause me distress. Now I just ignore it. I let the thoughts come and go. I still have my off days, but I can recognize it now and know how to work through it. OCD doesn’t bring my life to a screeching halt anymore.

So there it is. This has been my contribution for OCD Awareness Month, so hopefully you are feeling a little bit more aware. In all seriousness though, if you struggle with obsessive thoughts and/or compulsions, help is available. A life without the constant anxiety and worrying is possible and it is amazing. It feels good to finally be able to write about my experience with OCD without short circuiting. I don’t know how enjoyable of a read this is considering the contents, but I am glad you stuck around.

Until next time.

(This was originally posted on my Substack account- @maskaycrustle)